I need a revision of my college admission essay. Some editors have told me my first paragraph is too broad, and I thought it would be of big help of you to revise it. Here is a little about me: My name is Jimmy Kafie and I am from Honduras. I was born in Miami, Florida, but I have lived in Honduras my entire life. I used to be a very disorganized person who only cared about playing soccer. The summer of 2013 my parents forced me to attend Culver Military Academy in Indiana. I had a negative attitude towards it at first, but I ended up liking it. It helped me become a more disciplined, mature, responsible and social person. I made acqauintances from all over the world. When I returned to the American School of Tegucigalpa in Honduras, I was a different student. Now I was a leader in front of my friends. I improved my GPA greatly, was more disciplined in sports, and got into the JSA Debate club, where we traveled to Chicago and earned Best Speaker. I was able to secure a position in the varsity soccer team in my school. I am also part of several charity clubs, including a charity club owned by my family named Miqueas. Its goal is to get teens from the streets to study and later send them abroad. I go there every Saturday willing to do anything they ask me to. I was also an active member of Operation Smile for my entire high-school years (9-12)